Clock Shop

(bell above door jingles. A number of ticking clocks and a digital second-intervallic beep occupy the background)

MAN:
Excuse me, do you have the time?

SHOPKEEPER:
... Is that supposed to be a joke?

MAN:
Pardon?

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, I suppose you think it's very clever, walking into a clock shop and asking for the time?

MAN:
No, not at all.

SHOPKEEPER (impatiently):
But here you are.

MAN:
Yes, but I'm rather in a hurry--

SHOPKEEPER:
And I suppose you popped in to buy some time, very funny.

MAN:
Well, as a matter of fact, I thought it would probably save me some time if I went into a place where I was certain there'd be clocks.

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, and I suppose you go to the swimming hall every time you're thirsty? And to the furniture house whenever you feel like a lie-down?

MAN:
What do you mean?

SHOPKEEPER:
These are my clocks, sir! What's the point of me selling the things if I might as well tell everyone? If you want to know the time, mister, you'll have to buy one!

MAN:
That's ridiculous..!

SHOPKEEPER:
Same in all shops.

MAN:
No it isn't!

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes it is! You don't go into a restaurant and ask for a free meal, do you?

MAN:
It's not the same thing, it's not like you lose anything by telling me.

SHOPKEEPER:
All right, what about my time? I should say you've stolen quite a lot of it by now.

MAN:
Only because you're making such a fuss about it!

SHOPKEEPER:
Look, if you'd just come in and bought one in the first place-- You're the one getting my hopes up, you know! Last time I sold anything was five hours ago-- It's such a hassle with clocks, nobody ever wants to pay to know the time, nobody ever comes round here to get anything unless their old one's broken-- It's dreadful, repairs, truly dreadful, and it's not like they thank you afterwards-- All people ever do is complain about the time, "Oh it passes too slowly", "Oh it passes too quickly", "Oh there's never enough time for this and that"-- And what do I get for it? People like you, coming in for free samples, when I hardly earn a living myself! Why do you think I keep them showing different times in the window? I don't even know why I bother--

MAN:
All right, all right, I'll buy one! How much is that nice wristwatch, there?

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, that thing? You don't want that, sir, that's a kiddiewatch, not even waterproof-- Good sweep of rain and it'll tick right off.

MAN:
Look, I don't care. It's nice out today, isn't it?

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, but you want something more robust, like this, chrome and black, sturdy thing. Good chance of lasting the rest of your life, sir!

MAN:
No, listen, it's the time I'm interested in, it really doesn't matter--

SHOPKEEPER:
How about this? You can't say you don't like this one. It's a fantastic piece of work-- and you know the watch says everything about a man--

MAN:
I don't want it! Here, how much would you like me to pay you for telling me the time?

SHOPKEEPER:
Just--?

MAN:
Just telling me the time. I don't want a clock. Just tell me.

SHOPKEEPER:
Are you sure you don't want one?

MAN:
Yes.

SHOPKEEPER:
Well, it seems rather unnecessary to pay for one without getting it.

MAN:
That's a loss I'm prepared to live with.

SHOPKEEPER:
I just don't see what you're getting out of it--

MAN:
I just want to know the bloody time, all right?!

SHOPKEEPER:
All right, all right, no need to shout...

MAN:
Right. Sell me a clock; sell me any clock at all. Have it your way.

SHOPKEEPER:
Any one at all?

MAN:
Yes. Go on. I'll pay full price, just sell it to me.

SHOPKEEPER:
Well, there is the old grandfather clock...

MAN:
Fine. Fine, how much?

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, it's difficult to judge... Ancient thing, really. I'd want to make sure it came to good hands, too. It's truly a heritage in craftsmanship--

MAN:
How much?

SHOPKEEPER:
... Fiver?

MAN:
That's it?

SHOPKEEPER:
Do you think it should be more? Was I a bit cheap just then--?

MAN:
No, here's your fiver.

SHOPKEEPER:
I think it's a just price. Cut out the haggling, of course, it should come down to that. Or were you hoping to haggle?

MAN:
No, just take the money, please.

SHOPKEEPER:
Five pounds sharp, thank you very much good sir. Would you like it wrapped?

MAN:
No, just set it for me, please.

SHOPKEEPER:
How did you intend to transport it?

MAN:
I wasn't, I was intending to sell it back to you.

SHOPKEEPER:
What makes you think I'd want that old thing?

MAN:
You've just sold it to me!

SHOPKEEPER:
Well, it's used, now!

MAN:
All right. I'll throw it in the street. It's mine, I can do what I want with it.

SHOPKEEPER (appalled):
That I simply cannot allow!

MAN:
Fine, then accept it-- I'll give it to you, just set it first!

SHOPKEEPER:
Easy, now, let me get my watch...

MAN:
(sighs impatiently)

(the beep in the background suddenly stops)

MAN:
Hang on, did you notice--?

(the shop is torn apart by a loud and fierce explosion)