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Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
April 26, 2008
It's been done plenty of times, but was it ever on a Tuesday Afternoon? Check out ~ementhal's short script and treat yourself to a chuckle.
Featured by GeneratingHype
Literature Text
GOD:
Next, please.
MAN:
Yes, hello again.
GOD:
I'm sorry, my memory fails me. Which one are you?
MAN:
Well, I was Martin Fry.
GOD:
I'm sorry, those records are terminated. What's your number?
MAN:
Eleven thirty-one.
GOD:
No, no, not your queue number. Your executive number, the eight-digits.
MAN:
You expect me to remember that?
GOD:
Well, it is within the seven plus-minus two limit, which you should achieve if you've reached up to level one. Or, are you the reincarnation?
MAN:
Yeah, that's right. That's what I wanted to discuss with you.
GOD:
Did you miss your stop?
MAN:
No.
GOD:
I only sent you off a few hours ago.
MAN:
Yes, my point exactly. What's the deal with turning me into a sea turtle?
GOD:
You said you liked swimming, and that you'd like a long life.
MAN:
Yeah, but their life expectancy from hatching is only about four seconds, innit? I was eaten by a gull after two. You do realise that the odds of me becoming an old sea turtle are about one in a million?
GOD:
What can I do, try again.
MAN:
I've been at it thirteen times already; it's beginning to resemble a very frustrating video game!
GOD:
What can I do?
MAN:
You're God..! What can't you do? You invented gulls, didn't you?
GOD:
Actually, that was my day off.
MAN:
I don't believe this...
GOD:
Would you like to be something else? How about sloth?
MAN:
No thank you.
GOD:
They're swimmers. I didn't mean for that to happen, but there you are.
MAN:
Tempting, but no thanks.
GOD:
African elephant?
MAN:
No.
GOD:
I can offer you, um, tiger?
MAN:
No! How come you keep giving me endangered animals?
GOD:
To teach you a lesson!
MAN:
About what?
GOD:
About life, and death, and how cruel they both can be because of people like the former you, who take as their profession to cause others to suffer!
MAN:
I was an insurance salesman..! Anyway, why don't you offer me panda?
GOD:
I don't like pandas.
MAN:
How can you not like pandas? Pandas are the fluffy bits of hope in this world!
GOD:
Why do you think they're dying out?
MAN:
But you just said--
GOD:
Enough about the bloody pandas already! I'm on a boycott, orright? Simple as that. You can't be a panda, pick something else.
MAN:
Well I don't know.
GOD:
Would you like to see the catalogue?
MAN:
The catalogue of endangered animals that you like?
GOD:
Yeah. Here, have a look.
MAN:
"Life through a straw: Anteater. Short sight, bushy tail and a pair of claws. Live your South American dream." No, that's not really for me... "Sturgeon", "Chiru", "Rhinoceros"... It's not really alphabetical, this, is it?
GOD:
It's in order of preference.
MAN:
"Barnacle. Stick to rocks and large whales. Become the owner of the proportionally largest reproductive organ in the animal kingdom. Eight years of self-fertilisation." That sounds good, can I be one of them?
GOD:
Don't be perverted.
Next, please.
MAN:
Yes, hello again.
GOD:
I'm sorry, my memory fails me. Which one are you?
MAN:
Well, I was Martin Fry.
GOD:
I'm sorry, those records are terminated. What's your number?
MAN:
Eleven thirty-one.
GOD:
No, no, not your queue number. Your executive number, the eight-digits.
MAN:
You expect me to remember that?
GOD:
Well, it is within the seven plus-minus two limit, which you should achieve if you've reached up to level one. Or, are you the reincarnation?
MAN:
Yeah, that's right. That's what I wanted to discuss with you.
GOD:
Did you miss your stop?
MAN:
No.
GOD:
I only sent you off a few hours ago.
MAN:
Yes, my point exactly. What's the deal with turning me into a sea turtle?
GOD:
You said you liked swimming, and that you'd like a long life.
MAN:
Yeah, but their life expectancy from hatching is only about four seconds, innit? I was eaten by a gull after two. You do realise that the odds of me becoming an old sea turtle are about one in a million?
GOD:
What can I do, try again.
MAN:
I've been at it thirteen times already; it's beginning to resemble a very frustrating video game!
GOD:
What can I do?
MAN:
You're God..! What can't you do? You invented gulls, didn't you?
GOD:
Actually, that was my day off.
MAN:
I don't believe this...
GOD:
Would you like to be something else? How about sloth?
MAN:
No thank you.
GOD:
They're swimmers. I didn't mean for that to happen, but there you are.
MAN:
Tempting, but no thanks.
GOD:
African elephant?
MAN:
No.
GOD:
I can offer you, um, tiger?
MAN:
No! How come you keep giving me endangered animals?
GOD:
To teach you a lesson!
MAN:
About what?
GOD:
About life, and death, and how cruel they both can be because of people like the former you, who take as their profession to cause others to suffer!
MAN:
I was an insurance salesman..! Anyway, why don't you offer me panda?
GOD:
I don't like pandas.
MAN:
How can you not like pandas? Pandas are the fluffy bits of hope in this world!
GOD:
Why do you think they're dying out?
MAN:
But you just said--
GOD:
Enough about the bloody pandas already! I'm on a boycott, orright? Simple as that. You can't be a panda, pick something else.
MAN:
Well I don't know.
GOD:
Would you like to see the catalogue?
MAN:
The catalogue of endangered animals that you like?
GOD:
Yeah. Here, have a look.
MAN:
"Life through a straw: Anteater. Short sight, bushy tail and a pair of claws. Live your South American dream." No, that's not really for me... "Sturgeon", "Chiru", "Rhinoceros"... It's not really alphabetical, this, is it?
GOD:
It's in order of preference.
MAN:
"Barnacle. Stick to rocks and large whales. Become the owner of the proportionally largest reproductive organ in the animal kingdom. Eight years of self-fertilisation." That sounds good, can I be one of them?
GOD:
Don't be perverted.
Literature
The Grammar Gangsters
Beware the grammar gangsters!
The mafia of the literary underworld.
They saunter into stanzas,
Weapons concealed
Under their trench coats
Or in violin cases.
They can make you talk,
"With just a few well-placed speech marks,"
Leave you shouting! Where you should have whispered!
And pulp your bold statements into quavering questions?
They can, pepper, your, phrases with, commas,
Or bring your piece to a dead.
Full.
Stop.
They'll trap you (between brackets)
As you - dash - to the exit.
Then: punch a blunted colon
Into the gut of your text
Or worse;
Force-feed you a poisonous semicolon,
Then hack/slash your work to shreds.
T
Literature
apples, dammit
The Big Secret to Learning How to Draw:
In the Beginning... You see an apple, and you draw an apple. You look at your drawing, and it's utter crap. It looks nothing like the real thing, and you wonder why. "Hey, a real apple is red and round. My drawing is red and round. Huh. What's wrong?"
You draw some more apples. Many times.
And finally, one day, you have a Eureka! moment. You realize, *d'oh!* a real apple isn't entirely round! It's wider at the top, narrower underneath. It's got funky little lumps at the bottom. It's got a dip like a crazy deep belly button at the very top. You draw another apple. The result is better, but it's still
Literature
In Three Acts
man
cliff
sea
cliff
man
sea
cliff
sea
man
Suggested Collections
Tuesday Afternoon In God's Office
For radio. To be read in thick cockney accents for both parts.
For radio. To be read in thick cockney accents for both parts.
© 2007 - 2024 ementhal
Comments303
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It's your fault that I fell of the chair laughing.
...
AWESOME!
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AWESOME!